April 1, 2019 | 01 min read
Today’s the kind of day that we live for here at Bizom! Today we’re extremely proud and happy to announce the launch of a slew of AI & ML powered, IOT enabled, ROBOTICS-driven products (I hope I didn’t miss any jargon…) to help you grow your business by 10,000% or more! This is the kind of futuristic stuff that will soon have Musk banging at our doors begging us to take his money, but I want to assure you that the only people we’re planning to take money from is you!
Amazing Innovation 1!
Up first, is our proprietary image recognition product that will not just recognize your products and that of the competition but also throw stealth mode on the visibility of your competition’s products. So basically, your competitors’ products will not be visible to anyone except their salespeople. Obviously, jo dikhta hai, woh bikta hai, so this will help drive high visibility for you and help you achieve greater uptake. We’ve applied for a patent and have been informed that this will be pending for the rest of our existence.
Amazing Innovation 2:
Our next amazing innovation is a robotic salesman who can replace your entire sales team. This AI, NLP, NLG, PQR, TVF-powered robot speaks 51 languages, including local dialects such as Bambaiyya and Hyderabadi Hindi to help him win more customers for you. It’s being predicted as the next job killer and, needless to say, our R&D team has gone underground in fear that this will become THE big election issue this year.
The good news is that we’ve seen some great results in trials conducted. When you put in an unDuracell battery, this salesman can walk 5mtrs. That’s far more than the 2 meters enabled by the Never Ready. It has also got an internal battery bank that will be enabled by AD 2447 after charging stations become a mainstream reality.
Another revolutionary feature of the robot is its ability to navigate crowded bylanes. In a trial, the robot efficiently navigated streets in Chandni Chowk (Delhi) and Chickpet, (Bangalore) and only stepped into dog faeces twice before falling into a pothole. We will publish a detailed analysis of the test after we’ve recovered (and reassembled him) from the good Samaritans who rescued him from the pothole and sold him for scrap.
And if you’re already drooling, brace yourselves!
Amazing Innovation 3:
We’ve finally managed to make reality out of the decades of fiction peddled by Marvel. Timed to launch with the release of Avengers Endgame, We bring you Bizom Vibranium, an armour that has great answers to all your problems!
Use case 1: Put it on when you’re in your sales performance review and all the constructive feedback will bounce off you like missiles bounce off Wakanda’s force field. For example, If you haven’t met targets, it prods the reviewer subconsciously to alter targets to ensure you hit the highest incentives.
Use Case 2: If you have excessive credit parked in the market, this suit ensures all your creditors feel the force and are attracted to pay you with interest rates that equal those paid in UKRAINE and an undertaking of never ever asking for credit henceforth.
I’m sure this has sparked your interest and you are wondering what it will cost you to get this tech.
Trust in BIZOM, your friendly neighbourhood Retail Intelligence platform (I was forced to mention that by my CEO and investors), to offer it at an affordable cost.
We offer very simple SaaS pricing. It has just 2 simple components:
And in closing, to allay any technical doubts, the data will all be hosted on Hydra (the largest constellation in the Milky Way) where we’ve set up virtual machines.
Wish all a great new Financial year! We’re in this with you! Oh, and Happy Fool’s Day!